Experiment.

I’m calling this an experiment but more obvious than that it’s an excuse to write. I intend to write things down candidly and honestly. For the sake of not being sued or worse still someone confronting me having read this, I intend to change the names of loved ones, colleagues, basically anyone other than myself. If you don’t know already I am Tom and I am a journalism student studying at Worcester.

I should probably go back to the start and explain why I am calling this an experiment. I have no idea as to the originality of the idea as it just came to me as I was laying in bed struggling to sleep but I thought I would keep an online journal of everything that has been in the forefront of my mind and see if penning my anxieties and sharing them publicly has any effect on them.

Anxieties, well recently I celebrated my 28th birthday. Without meaning to hurt anyones feelings I haven’t enjoyed my birthday since I was 15. I am often accused of being a lot like my father who I am sure shares the same feelings in this matter. But dad is a whole new subject and not one I am currently brave enough to tackle. I’m 28 it’s freshers week and I feel like a dinosaur. I have always used alcohol as a crutch a trait I am not overly proud of. This week gives me the perfect opportunity to get at it and abuse it. After a relatively modest Monday by my standards I woke up Tuesday feeling confident. It’s not something that happens all that often and when it does I like to embrace it. Tuesday I felt good about things I was not going out but had Wednesday to look forward to. My housemates weren’t here so I found a friend from my course to go out with. I ended up blagging my way onto a social night with him and his friends and during the course of the evening we introduced ourselves in someones living room and stated an interesting fact about ourselves. As I waited for my turn I couldn’t help but feel a little bored by what some people had to say. I could have picked 5 things off the top of my head but some of the things people had to say seemed so mundane. Then all at once it hit me. I’m old or at least to these people I am. Without meaning to sound patronising I have been around longer and therefore am likely to have been in more interesting situations.

I drank heavily after that, not to have a good time but to get drunk. All of my friends are getting married or they are married or they are in long term relationships. I am chasing a goal and have made sacrifices in order to do so but who am I kidding? You don’t get to my age and not have concerns about this sort of stuff and if you say you don’t you’re lying.

To make matters worse I succeeded in getting drunk and embarrassed myself in a number of different ways. I sent messages I shouldn’t have sent to people I shouldn’t have sent them to. I called people I shouldn’t have called and generally spent the small hours being the master of my own failure. It’s far too easy nowadays with social media and mobile phones to give up what your thinking without really thinking about it at all. That’s not something I want this to be. I am relinquishing privacy in an attempt to free myself from the world I portray on social media sites. The diluted world I want people to see that suggests I am much happier than I am. But that’s just my mood right now next time I post I may be in a completely different place.

I discovered this summer that I both love and loath routine. I worked a job you couldn’t describe as glamourous but I am not going to run it down. It paid for things I had no hope of paying for and I am not too proud to do what it takes to get things done.  I can’t believe how much I enjoyed it. I got to work with friends which is always fun even when it isn’t and more over I felt I had a sense of freedom that only money can give you. That’s the dirtiest word, money, I suppose if I lived in America people would call me a commie for saying something like that. Summer also involved chasing women, a routine I have very limited success in and find a whole lot more difficult than cleaning toilets.

I am writing this hours after Scotland has voted whether or not it would like to be independant from the rest of Britain. It’s so huge I have been thinking about the subject for what seems like forever. I have flooded my head with information and propaganda and I am still none the wiser. It’s not my fight so why bother right? That’s me in a nutshell. I like to have a cause and frankly a vote either way affects me. I am selfish in that respect. I like to know one way or another how outcomes will change my days, hours and minutes.

My confession of the day is that I spent most of this morning wallowing in self pity and the rest of the day gauging on Mad Men. I know it’s a cliche but I’m going to have a huge hole in my life when it finishes. I don’t know who if anyone will read this but I am going to put it on Facebook and Twitter and see if I get any sort of response.

I would sign off properly but given that this is the first post and I am the only person to have read it where would be the point? It seems almost arrogant but I am writing this for myself as much as anyone else. Self medicating on a laptop. Maybe next time I won’t be so sombre and I will have someone to sign off too.

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