Category Archives: Comedy

Confessions of the Golf Club Bar Staff #2

This feature is just for laughs! We will aim to share some of the funnier stories from years gone by for your amusement. If you recognise the story and are one of the main protagonists, don’t worry we won’t name and shame!

The Round Dodger

round dodger

The scene: It’s a relatively busy summer evening when a golf party staying with us in the hotel come to the bar no doubt thirsty from their golfing endeavors.

The personable group of four gents approach the bar in good spirits informing me that I am unlikely to see much of the fifth member of their group through muffled laughter.

I didn’t think much of that comment until their order came in, four pints of lager and two bottles of non alcoholic lager poured into a pint glass.

Around 15-20 minutes later one of the group comes to the bar and orders the same round again. At this point my curiosity gets the better of me:

‘Who is on the non-alcoholic beer then?’ I asked tentatively.

‘Our mate, he never buys a round so we are teaching him a lesson and waiting to see how long it is before he catches on’. My customer responds with a wicked smile from ear to ear.

One by one all four order the same round of drinks, just as the customer had suggested, with no sign of the fifth member. This carried on well into the evening before I heard a roar of laughter from the next room.

Moments later a somewhat disgruntled gentleman came to bar and asked for a pint of lager and a whisky chaser.

As he returned to his scheming friends I hear one of them shout ‘Look, after all that he STILL hasn’t bought us a beer!’

Choose your friends carefully folks!

To see what we can offer your golf party/society please visit www.bells-hotel.co.uk

Confessions of the Golf Club bar staff

This feature is just for laughs! We will aim to share some of the funnier stories from years gone by for your amusement. If you recognise the story and are one of the main protagonists, don’t worry we won’t name and shame!

The tale of the bitter lemon

bitter lemon

The scene: A busy theme night many moons ago. I was collecting glasses after a brief (and frankly welcome) lull at the bar.

I am just about in ear shot of the bar when I see a gentleman make his way up and ask a young, eager and enthusiastic new barman for a gin and bitter lemon. The room is fairly busy and noisy so I’m not too surprised to hear the barman ask the gentleman if he can repeat his order.

As I’m carrying glasses back to the bar I see the new barman produce a slice of lemon in a set of tongs and present it to the customer!! Thankfully the gentleman in question saw the funny side of this story when he heard the barman say ‘I’m so sorry, I thought you said a bit of lemon!’

Always remember to be on hand to help new starters and always be sure of what you’ve heard!

For an update on up and coming events please visit bells-hotel.co.uk/events and who knows? You could be the star of our next story!

Reading, writing and agreeing with people

A short while ago (a deliberately vague use of time) I toyed with the idea of becoming a comedian. Not because I thought I was funny but because I had this romantic idea that, through the genre of satire, you can not only make people laugh but help people challenge their level of social consciousness. Now of course this is an incredibly arrogant and self promoting thought but having come to that conclusion it would be a lie to say that alone was what put me off the idea. No despite sounding like a two bit Russell Brand with an over inflated ego and god complex that Freud would have been proud of it boils down to this: When you think about standing up in front of people and giving them an opportunity to tell you how poorly researched you are or how limited your ability to write something satisfactory let alone worthwhile might be, it is enough to make your stomach churn. When you write something for a newspaper, online, TV or even a book you are bound to receive a level of criticism but when you think about the immediacy of comic failure that is what really puts me off.

I’ve mentioned on a number of occasions before how I have grown up on the comedy of satire and how it has influenced my ability to read people, writing and certain situations. A lot of people would describe me as being a very cynical man who allows his belief system to encroach too far into everyday life. I’m opinionated and true to form I don’t care. Now that isn’t because I think I am somehow better than anyone else, I just trust myself to make informed opinions or decisions based on educating myself on the subject I am spouting off about at any given time. I suppose as a journalist this admission is not necessarily the sort of quality or redeeming feature a potential employer is looking for. On the other hand those of you who hate people like me can rest easy in the knowledge that I get punched in the face on public transport periodically. Generally it’s for failing to agree with the bigot with the can of extra strength lager spilling unceremoniously onto the walkway as a mother pushing a pram tries to get past. For instance I don’t believe that performing a sexual act with the deceased head of a member of the even-toed ungulates family to get into an elitist club is better than failing to sing a song that worships an unelected head of state funded primarily by the taxpayer.

Whilst thinking about it all I can understand that people might read this and think what a pretentious knob. There is a danger that this post is just a self congratulatory piece I am writing to distract myself from more important worries. On top of that I do recognise that just because I invariably disagree with certain groups of people and tend to agree with others it doesn’t mean I am always right. I feel like that line has taken me a little off topic but was necessary for those who are new to this blog or have forgotten the purpose for why I started it. If that is the case then please feel free to read the ‘about‘ page.

On the subject of agreeing with people; the inspiration for writing this blog post came from comedy I have familiarised myself with in the past few days by people like Josie Long and Stewart Lee. That in turn was inspired by a video I saw on social media by this guy. Enjoy.