Well so far the only person to have read my memoirs of a mature student is my mum. She’s always been my biggest fan. Having wrote at length last night with relative ease I am finding it equally as difficult to get anything down today. You’re only as good as your last piece of work or something like that. I can’t remember the specifics of the cliche but you catch my drift. Last night it was fun and exciting to write and today feels more of a chore. A lecturer last year told me that writing should never be a chore and that if it was I should stop. If only it was as easy as that? If I took her advice it would be all too simple never to write at all, using her mantra as an excuse!
You know how they say you should never try and recreate something as it will never be as good as the first time? Today sort of feels that way. A laboured groundhog day but without Bill Murray there to make you laugh. All the things that made me tick yesterday aren’t doing it for me today and I have been resisting the urge to buy cigarettes now for at least 3 hours. I don’t know why but there is always something about this time of day that makes me want to smoke. 4pm the smoking hour. I need to stop for obvious reasons. It is a disgusting habit that is bad for your health and as a student I really can’t afford it. Given that I don’t drink like I used to and I am dieting it is one vice I am giving in to. At this moment in time I enjoy smoking. The first one of the day always seems to be the best. Sometimes I don’t enjoy it at all but it does seem to symbolise something. It helps with the dieting and works wonders suppressing hunger.
I think a lot of my negative thinking yesterday was due to the fact that I spent so much of it alone. I enjoy my own company for a time but I am a social creature by nature and I suppose as a result I need a lot of attention. I was often described as the class clown at school so I suppose it started at a young age. The girls will be back later and that will help. I didn’t realise how much I missed them until I got back to Worcester. God knows what I will do next year when they aren’t around.
I have found Worcester to be a little disappointing. A friend of mine was at university here when we were 18 and I used to spend a lot of time here as a result. It all boils down to the aforementioned cliche I suppose but somewhere along the line I suppose I thought I would be able to relive some of the glory days. A wise friend once said to me that the grass is always greener, it still needs to be mowed though. I have also found making friends here a little more difficult than I thought it would be. I don’t know if it is the age difference or if I am less personable than I used to be but I do know I have never found it this difficult in the past and that is a source of serious frustration.
My lectures start next week but before that I am heading home for the weekend to do something that is long over due. I am going out with my brother for a drink and a bite to eat. Something I haven’t done with him for a long time. My parents are home at the moment and having them back has been nice. Family are a giant pain in the ass during your teenage years but you really start to appreciate them more as you get older. My sister has been amazing this summer. I have spent all too much of it under her feet and I know I have annoyed her. But she loves me unconditionally and I appreciate that.
I heard a quote the other day that really resonated with me so I am going to share it on here in the hope that it might have a similar effect on others. “People tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want people to be who we want them to be”.
No one is reading this so I suppose as an experiment it is a relative failure. But I am enjoying waffling on about nothing at all even if people aren’t reading it. If you are reading it, thank you I am off for a cigarette.